Worst. Person. Ever.: A Novel

By Douglas Coupland

Raymond Gunt loves to contemplate himself as an exquisite respectable guy—he believes in assisting his fellow guy and all that different great things. convinced, he may be foulmouthed, sometimes misogynistic, and simply regularly rub humans the inaccurate way—through no fault of his personal! So with the entire optimistic power he’s developing, it’s a bit complicated to think about the hot downward spiral his existence has taken….

An unemployed B-unit cameraman, Gunt accepts his ex-wife’s provide to shoot a Survivor-style truth exhibit on an imprecise island within the Pacific. by some means, Gunt suffers a number of comas and unjust imprisonment, and is pressured to reenact the “Angry Dance” from the motion picture Billy Elliott, between different tribulations and humiliations. may the universe be attempting to inform him anything?

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It used to be evening, however it used to be additionally hopping. I sensed whatever sizeable happening. I acknowledged, “I’m honoured you’d give some thought to trusting me loads, Peggy. Now, may possibly you please uncuff me? ” “Not but. ” She referred to as to the MPs. “Boys, toss him into the slammer! ” Then she giggled. “I’ve consistently desired to say that. ” She wear her aviator glasses, which, lower than moonlight, gave her a Mexican Day of the useless form of glance. “Lock Mr. Gunt in zone D. ” 20 So i used to be thrown into yet one more criminal mobilephone. i used to be truly feeling ok approximately this latest incarceration and used to be making plans to capture a few shut-eye. but if I sat on my bunk, i discovered a DVD of Billy Elliot and a handheld remote control. outdoor the cell’s bars was once a 55-inch plasma television. contained in the DVD case was once a observe from Peggy: Greetings, Raymond Gunt. The DVD is cued to “The offended Dance” from this such a lot cherished of movies. practice it the following day at lunch within the mess for everybody and you'll be allowed to go away the island. Raymond, it has to appear such as you are attempting, particularly attempting. If I don’t imagine you try not easy sufficient, your aircraft and your folks fly on with out you, once you remain the following indefinitely to pay to your willfully disobedient violation of the native land safeguard Act. Get cracking, Raymond! Lunch is at midday, sharp. Love, “Peggy Nielson” Fuck. http://www. youtube. com/watch? v=UOGBTFFxOpY think being locked in a cage and never purely having to observe Billy Elliot, yet being ordered to copy a few kind of dance routine—I suggest, truthfully … “Hello, Raymond. ” I rotated and observed Peggy at the different aspect of the bars. She regarded softer and had make-up on, in addition to civilian clothing—one of these muscle attire favoured by way of Mrs. Obama. “I see you were given my note,” she acknowledged. “What the fuck is happening right here? ” “Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. You don’t truthfully imagine native land protection could switch a potential possibility to nationwide defense like your self for a couple of theatre tickets? ” Peggy’s crisp, unironic tone jogged my memory of being on carry with United airways. She started twirling her hair. I didn’t like the place this going. “But i need to say, your ex-wife is an amazing bargainer. i needed tickets for the night functionality, yet she drew the road at a matinée. ” “Did she? ” “Fortunately, again within the mobile at LAX, you confided to me the place you have been going. the instant I heard that, I knew you have been mine. there has been no approach i used to be going to enable your aircraft go by means of my island empire right here. ” “You grounded our flight only for me? ” “Is that so fallacious? ” She licked an index finger after which trailed it down her cleavage, and that i felt as though an individual have been strolling over my grave. “Don’t be coy, Raymond. you recognize there’s anything among us. ” Here’s the item: Peggy Nielson—or really, Jennifer Healey—is the 1st nubile girl I’ve encountered because puberty whom I haven’t many times mind-boffed, or maybe thought of mind-boffing. I fought for time and stated, “Tell me extra. ” She seemed either methods after which got here towards the bars. “In all my undercover years, no one has ever noticeable via my Peggy Nielson character, no longer one individual.

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